So let’s talk about humans…I’ve been disappointed by them lately, in two specific instances. One has ties tangentially with my entry two posts back, I’ll write about that one in more detail later. The 2nd one, more recent by about 16 hours I’ll tackle first.
I wrote previously about this summer’s travel extravaganza to Las Vegas for Classic Rock weekend. When I bought the concert tickets to see the Who, I bought two tickets, assuming that I could convince someone to accompany me. I thought that I had a buddy lined up to go with me. He was offering to handle the accommodations of the trip for us. He lives in Michigan, and I only get to see him once a year or so. It was going to be fun. After our initial conversations, I checked in with him two months or so ago, and he told me that he had some logistics problems with the trip. I offered him the out, to pass on the trip then, and he didn’t take it. He was excited to get together. He did let slip that he wasn’t a planner (like me) and was more of a spontaneous traveler. The warning bells were going off for me, and I made some alternate hotel reservations for myself, just in case. We spoke this morning, caught up; we hadn’t spoken for a couple of months. He told me of his plan to go to Hawaii later in the year. Finally, I just had to ask point blank, if he was going to join me in Vegas. He is not.
So, now I’m two weeks away from the trip, I have an extra ticket to a concert and really don’t have time to find someone to join me. It’s not that that is really bothering me, I originally planned this as a solo trip, and as someone who lives alone; the solo trip is actually simpler for me. What is upsetting is the fact that people seem to continue to break commitments with me (another story coming, this isn’t a one off). I’m even more disappointed in myself that I’m disappointed. I knew this was coming, yet I felt let down when I got the news. Maybe it’s normal, I really don’t know.
So I guess I have to tell the other story. If you recall a couple of posts back, I told the story of meeting a woman one night while watching a hockey game. Well, as I mentioned, that really didn’t go anywhere. What did happen is that the walls I had built to try and protect myself from the loneliness I was feeling all just fell apart. I ended up in a tailspin. (My tendency in writing this is to use a ton of qualifiers, to try and ease the blow to myself here. I’m going to try and relate this as honestly as I can). It’s been a very long time since I had had any attention from a woman. That night with Christie just reminded me, and my protective walls were gone. I really longed for some attention; any kind of attention from a woman. I went to great expense to find it in places where you don’t find it. I got the bright idea to go to a strip club in Tampa one evening. It was just to see, feel, a woman. Any woman. Like I said, I was really a mess.
I met a woman named Jennifer at the strip club. She was charming (not always the case) and easy to talk with. We chatted for quite a while. We did what one does at a strip club. But then we did things most don’t do. We talked philosophy, some politics. We spent a lot of time talking about art, and looking at art. It was, truly, an atypical strip club experience. We exchanged numbers (another atypical experience) and promised we would see each other soon.
She messaged me the next day, another surprise, we exchanged a few other texts in the next couple of weeks. I made a trip over to see her again. It was more of the same, yes we were in a strip club, and yes there were non-strip club activities going on. More discussions of life, and dreams, and art, etc. I liked this woman. Not like, Arrrgh… I want to have sex with her, but wow! I like this girl. She is interesting, In addition to dancing, she is a photographer. She shared some of her work. It is amazing. I shared my blog, I haven’t heard of she has read it or not. I believe she hasn’t, but I honestly don’t know.
I was trying to determine if she was really interested in me, or if I was just another customer, or another revenue stream to be as crass as possible. I sent her a text last week to see if she wanted to go out, somewhere other than the club she works at. I was prepared for getting shut down, or being asked for money, either or. It would have told me the same thing. To my surprise, neither of those happened. She asked me what I had in mind, and I asked her if she wanted to have dinner with me on Saturday night. She agreed, After a little back and forth, we picked a restaurant. Now, I was still a bit leery, there were plenty of chances for this to go awry, but so far so good.
Saturday came and still no cancellations. I was getting ready to head out; she lives 90 or so miles away. I then got the text, and she stated she had to stay at work. I didn’t know what that meant, and it was finally decided that we would have to reschedule.
So here we are again with the same or at least similar behavior, from two disparate people in my life. An old friend who dropped out on me at nearly the last minute and a woman I just met, who had done a similar thing. Look, in both cases, I knew what happened was going to happen. Nothing of either of the situations was a surprise. Yet, I was disappointed. And I was disappointed in me for being disappointed.
Here’s the Tuesday epilogue to the story. Jennifer sent me a text Tuesday, that she had been suspended from work for two weeks. She did not specifically ask, but inferred that she would appreciate it I would step in and fill in her income while she was unable to work. I tried to be supportive, to a point I guess, but I felt like I had been “strippered”, I know that’s not really a word, or a phenomenon, but I believe it is a thing. I (sadly) have had some experience with this previously. I’ve been asked to do this previously by others. I’ve passed every time, I don’t know maybe it makes me uncaring, but I really didn’t have a relationship with any of these women. Jennifer is the first one I’ve really wanted to get to know. I suspect that isn’t an option anymore, as I didn’t white knight in with a wad of cash. I felt conflicted for a couple of days…I do like this woman, at least as far as I know her now. But, I really don’t feel any responsibility.
I’m a mess right now…I’ve decided that this loneliness, while chronic, not necessarily acute, is in fact terminal. It will be with me forever. I’m trying not to fight it anymore. Fighting it is how I end up in the position I was in with Jennifer…If I had just accepted the situation, not fought it, I frankly never would have encountered her in the first place. The problem is that accepting the loneliness seems to close me off. It’s taken me two weekends (when I seem to do most of my writing for this blog) which isn’t a rare occurrence, but I was pretty worked up when I started this last Saturday. I’ve built up some scar tissue now. I haven’t even felt like writing all week. I should be writing something every day, or couple of days at least. Hockey season can’t get here fast enough to help alleviate that.
I am also looking at the time in Vegas next week with a little disdain…I’m excited to see the Love show on Monday night, and to see The Who on Tuesday, but the balance of the week is going to be spent alone. I’m afraid Vegas is going to be not any fun alone. I am trying to make a lot of plans so I don’t feel the need to spend all that time in the casino. I have a trip planned Wednesday to the Pinball Hall of Fame. I also want to visit a casino downtown named “the D” it is a Detroit themed casino, and they have an All American Coney island there. I’m hoping for a true Detroit Coney dog experience. They claim they server Dearborn sausage hot dogs. I was planning on going to the west rim of the Grand Canyon, but am reading online that the west rim is disappointing, and one should go to the South rim. The West rime is approximately 75 minute drive from the strip. The South rim is a 5 hour drive. I don’t see myself making the 10 hour trip alone, even if I spent the night. It’s just too much driving time. I may go to the Hoover Dam; something to get me out of the city, I think.