So I’m back to a familiar refrain, but with a slightly different twist. I find myself back looking for a new gig. I’m not unemployed, but I am unfulfilled. This is a constant topic here, I apologize, but it is my blog, so I get to work it out my way in my times…here’s the new wrinkle. I can actually call myself a writer. I am a contributor to a website and am writing about the local minor league hockey team. I understand that I’m not going to change the world, or win any Pulitzer’s for this, but it is important to me. Here’s the important part of this. It is remarkably fulfilling, and enjoyable; entertaining even. Simply put, it is everything that the corporate gig isn’t. I can tell you the story of how this came to pass later,. The hope was that having this to focus on would make the corporate gig more palatable. Unfortunately, it has had the opposite effect. The most apt description I can think of came to me yesterday morning. In the job, there is never an endorphin rush, there’s never a dopamine high. Nothing happens to get me excited about. I have taken to ignoring projects for a period of time, just to cause someone to get excited about it, so they yell and scream a bit, in the hopes of lighting a fire under me. Inducing endorphins I guess…It stopped working a long time ago, I do it out of habit now.
Let’s make a couple of statements here, for the record. I have a sweet gig. If 30 year old Paul knew that he would have this gig he would have been doing cartwheels. I make a good living. I don’t have anyone looming over me micromanaging my day or my time. I work from wherever there is an internet connection, usually from home. My line is I have a 12 foot commute. It’s a sweet gig. The logical and reasoned part of me states I should just ride this out. A friend was hammering that point home to me a few days ago. And I logically know it to be true. Here’s the thing, and another admission. I’ve started a journey as a writer, other than this blog. I am covering the minor league hockey team for a blog focused on our NHL affiliate team. I’m not being any more specific as I am attempting to maintain my veil of anonymity (however slight that veil may be). Anyone reading this on any regular fashion already is aware of my other writing, but if you have happened here otherwise, I am going to attempt to keep my veil. My response to the reasoned and logical argument is an emotional one. Writing, telling stories is more fulfilling than anything I’ve ever done in the corporate world. I don’t yet know if I am talented enough to be a writer professionally. I am determined to find out. I refuse to accept that I have to resign myself to a corporate career that is entirely unfulfilling. I may have said this before, but I was hoping that the writing would make the corporate gig more acceptable. It has not. I spend most of my days trying to find things to write about, or thinking about ways to improve my writing. To borrow a phrase from another friend, it may be what I am meant to do.
I also know that a different corporate gig isn’t the answer, although it may provide some temporary relief. So, I’m stuck here, at least for another period of time. I’m going to try and find a different corporate gig, I guess. It’s going to need to be a GREAT fit, not a good fit. to make the move. I want to spend the next hockey season telling stories, and proving to myself, and also hopefully others that I have something to offer the writing world. This isn’t to say that I don’t want to continue this blog. This has turned into the story of me, rather than the all-encompassing writing I had thought it would be. Maybe this is still the answer. I guess, if you’re out there, we’ll find this out together.