Episode 7

Home

I was listening to some music last weekend, and this idea struck me…Home isn’t a place.  It’s a state of mind, or a feeling if you will.  I know that this isn’t likely a major revelation to most folks, but it did strike me pretty significantly.  The song that sparked this is “Nutshell” by Alice in Chains.

While my parents were still alive, home was the farm where I grew up.  Once they both had passed, I remember when I went back to the farm for the first time.  There was obviously something missing.  It was palpable.   I know what you’re thinking; “…of course Paul, your parents are gone…”, but the sense was (is) something completely different than that.  I had a profound sense that this place was no longer my home.  It is still the place where I grew up.  All of the memories are still there.  It just “feels” differently to me now.  I have been struggling with this of late, the sense of home.  I really don’t feel like I have a sense of home.  I consider Central Florida to be “home” for me now.  It’s where I choose to make my life.  I have a number of great friends here, and am very happy I have finally made it back, after 6 years spent in South Florida and Atlanta.  To bring this back to the song lyric that spawned the idea for this blog entry, I believe that the sense of home is about another person.  I really don’t have that, someone to be there when everyone else goes away.  Maybe this is the central theme of all of this, my wanting to connect with other people.  Or more specifically a person.  I am trying to find me, I guess, so that I can find someone else to be in my life.  Wow, this is getting odd; sad and darker than I think it sounds in my head.  I think I’m on to something though, because it’s getting scary to write this…Like I’m working on taking the walls down.  Vulnerable.  I’ve worked hard for a long time to keep the walls intact, never being vulnerable.  More to follow.

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