Volume 1 Episode 5

…Welcome back my friends to the show that seemed to end… <to paraphrase>

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written anything for the Cream.  I wrote a piece for the unloading zone, that I need to get posted, I spent a weekend in Atlanta, and basically, been procrastinating; from the writing anyway.   It has been an interesting time in a lot of ways, not so good in others.  So, if you’ll indulge me, let’s walk through this and I’ll try to get somewhere.

As I’ve mentioned before, the simple act of starting this was great.  I rode that high for a few weeks.  “I’m a writer!”  “I’m creative, an ‘artist’ even!”  It was great to be me.  Then I found the question as well as the answer; me.  Now, here we are a few weeks later, and well, old habits and patterns are hard to break.  My mood returned to its pre dopamine soaked highs, and the job became a lot more frustrating, as it was before I started this.  There are two things at work here, I believe.  First, I stopped writing.  A combination of other activities, and well, complacency.  Second, and certainly more important both to me, and what this blog is more or less about is the hard work that I have to do.  I learned in the glow of starting this that if I want to be happy, be happy.  If I want to be optimistic, be so.  I was always one to discount affirmations as ineffective at best until I tried it.  Well, as I have learned many times, thoughts do become things.  I need to be what it is I want to be.  It’s not anyone else’s responsibility but mine.  I know this, I’ve known this.  I just typically do a shitty job of doing it.  The writing is an exercise to help me remember that, as well as exorcise those things that I need to exorcise?  God that’s an ugly sentence.  I know.  Negative thoughts are powerful.  I need to keep them at bay.

Here’s another thing about this blog.  I may have written it before, I’ve certainly talked about it with my friends, is the fact that I am trying to connect with people.  Before I started this, I was terrified that people would see this, read it, get to know more of me (I’m going somewhere).  As soon as I wrote the first episode, it was odd…I wanted people to see this, read it, react to it.  It was a way for me to connect.  Hurray!!!  The offshoot of that was the fact that I knew that I had to continue to tear down the walls that I have crafted over all of these years to keep people away.  There are very few people that are on my “inside”  I have crafted myself to keep people away.  They can’t hurt you if you keep them at arm’s length.  I have very long arms.  The conundrum for me is that the thing that I crave in my life, connection, is what I have worked very hard to prevent from happening.  Starting this blog broke down the walls, a bit, and let some sunshine in.  It was great.  Then, I stopped.  Old habits die hard, (see above) and I was back where I started.  I have a lot of work to do.  I am committed to doing these things.  I am a better person when I’m not being my old surly self.

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