Episode 7

Home

I was listening to some music last weekend, and this idea struck me…Home isn’t a place.  It’s a state of mind, or a feeling if you will.  I know that this isn’t likely a major revelation to most folks, but it did strike me pretty significantly.  The song that sparked this is “Nutshell” by Alice in Chains.

While my parents were still alive, home was the farm where I grew up.  Once they both had passed, I remember when I went back to the farm for the first time.  There was obviously something missing.  It was palpable.   I know what you’re thinking; “…of course Paul, your parents are gone…”, but the sense was (is) something completely different than that.  I had a profound sense that this place was no longer my home.  It is still the place where I grew up.  All of the memories are still there.  It just “feels” differently to me now.  I have been struggling with this of late, the sense of home.  I really don’t feel like I have a sense of home.  I consider Central Florida to be “home” for me now.  It’s where I choose to make my life.  I have a number of great friends here, and am very happy I have finally made it back, after 6 years spent in South Florida and Atlanta.  To bring this back to the song lyric that spawned the idea for this blog entry, I believe that the sense of home is about another person.  I really don’t have that, someone to be there when everyone else goes away.  Maybe this is the central theme of all of this, my wanting to connect with other people.  Or more specifically a person.  I am trying to find me, I guess, so that I can find someone else to be in my life.  Wow, this is getting odd; sad and darker than I think it sounds in my head.  I think I’m on to something though, because it’s getting scary to write this…Like I’m working on taking the walls down.  Vulnerable.  I’ve worked hard for a long time to keep the walls intact, never being vulnerable.  More to follow.

Episode 6

Inertia

I am its bitch.  I have been fighting its effects for a long time.  When I started this blog, I came to the realization that I was going to stay in corporate America.  I was of the mind set prior to that to go and seek opportunities outside of the corporate America, but I decided I like all of the trappings.  That helped me rededicate myself to my job, for awhile.  That has really worn off.  My frustration level is high again.  I keep weighing the plusses and minuses of the current position.  I know that no matter where I go its going to ultimately be the same.  So do I leave?  Who knows.  I have had some writing to do to prepare myself, and I keep finding excusers to put it off.  I know that if I don’t do the work, I’ll end up sitting in my current position, miserable, until they no longer need me.  The entire point of hiring the career coach was to do the work before I get let go.  Look in these times, being an employee is like being a head coach of a sports team…you get hired to get fired.  In their case though, they have guaranteed contracts.  I don’t.

I am not convinced that I want to move on.  I want to be prepared to move on.  That’s where the inertia comes in.  I am trying to get better.  My coach is on board to help me.  Here goes.

I’ll save you the whining about the job.  I have a good gig.  I make good money.  I’ll be OK.  Just needed to get this off my chest, and into the ether.  Maybe it will help.

Volume 1 Episode 5

…Welcome back my friends to the show that seemed to end… <to paraphrase>

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written anything for the Cream.  I wrote a piece for the unloading zone, that I need to get posted, I spent a weekend in Atlanta, and basically, been procrastinating; from the writing anyway.   It has been an interesting time in a lot of ways, not so good in others.  So, if you’ll indulge me, let’s walk through this and I’ll try to get somewhere.

As I’ve mentioned before, the simple act of starting this was great.  I rode that high for a few weeks.  “I’m a writer!”  “I’m creative, an ‘artist’ even!”  It was great to be me.  Then I found the question as well as the answer; me.  Now, here we are a few weeks later, and well, old habits and patterns are hard to break.  My mood returned to its pre dopamine soaked highs, and the job became a lot more frustrating, as it was before I started this.  There are two things at work here, I believe.  First, I stopped writing.  A combination of other activities, and well, complacency.  Second, and certainly more important both to me, and what this blog is more or less about is the hard work that I have to do.  I learned in the glow of starting this that if I want to be happy, be happy.  If I want to be optimistic, be so.  I was always one to discount affirmations as ineffective at best until I tried it.  Well, as I have learned many times, thoughts do become things.  I need to be what it is I want to be.  It’s not anyone else’s responsibility but mine.  I know this, I’ve known this.  I just typically do a shitty job of doing it.  The writing is an exercise to help me remember that, as well as exorcise those things that I need to exorcise?  God that’s an ugly sentence.  I know.  Negative thoughts are powerful.  I need to keep them at bay.

Here’s another thing about this blog.  I may have written it before, I’ve certainly talked about it with my friends, is the fact that I am trying to connect with people.  Before I started this, I was terrified that people would see this, read it, get to know more of me (I’m going somewhere).  As soon as I wrote the first episode, it was odd…I wanted people to see this, read it, react to it.  It was a way for me to connect.  Hurray!!!  The offshoot of that was the fact that I knew that I had to continue to tear down the walls that I have crafted over all of these years to keep people away.  There are very few people that are on my “inside”  I have crafted myself to keep people away.  They can’t hurt you if you keep them at arm’s length.  I have very long arms.  The conundrum for me is that the thing that I crave in my life, connection, is what I have worked very hard to prevent from happening.  Starting this blog broke down the walls, a bit, and let some sunshine in.  It was great.  Then, I stopped.  Old habits die hard, (see above) and I was back where I started.  I have a lot of work to do.  I am committed to doing these things.  I am a better person when I’m not being my old surly self.